An Attempt At Newspaper Article Writing

Dear people of the internet, my sincerest apologies for bombarding you daily with this posts. As it is, here’s another one to bore you to death. A newspaper-y post. *sighs* The things this brain comes up with sometimes….

Also blame Writing & Grammar for making me write a newspaper article. Two attempts down below.

Your News From Out In The World!

(Disclaimer: Everything you read in this segment is false. Do not kill me.)

Scientists Trapped In Alaska During Snowstorm

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Juneau, AK. A swarm of white coats are stranded in Alaska after an onslaught of white stuff flew their way, grounding their plane, freezing their equipment, and turning black coffees into mocha iced cappes.

“I’ve never seen anything so bad in all my life,” shivered Floridan based meteorologist Ima Weatherman, taking shelter in an old hangar with 10 other scientists who are riding out the storm with our trusty source of information, the internet. “It’s really looking terrible out there.”

Indeed the temperature reached a frigid 10 degrees, which is a low in both Farenheight, Celsius, and my fridge’s temperature. One can only hope the conditions will improve for the scientists.

“We’re grateful they are in a position with enough food, water, and high speed internet,” an official told us in a private interview. “As of right now, there’s no knowing how long either will last, depending on the weather. Our local weather guys have been tracking this storm for about a week now. If we’re lucky, we should be cutting the red tape by next week.”

The scientists traveled to Juneau to research global warming.

(facepalming right now. okay, here’s the last attempt)

New study shows homework is lying to our faces

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Creek, ON. Schools have been closed for an unprecedented 7 days while teachers from all over the world fly in to discuss the study led by one Cica Stoudes, who has been pushing for reformation in the education system.

“I’ve been working on this project for 2 days,” the 8th grader declared to a press room, “and with Google Search, I discovered that homework is not really done at home and is one big joke!”

The youngster was inspired to delve into the research required after hearing her mother call her from her room to explain why Cica had left her essay on the conquistadors of France uncompleted for two weeks.

“We always say how homework is killing us, and now here’s your evidence that it’s true. An essay? Doesn’t Wikipedia have everything you could possibly know?” Ms. Stoudes asked rhetorically when confronted by a journalist.

Besides from the inaccuracy that homework is done at home, the 3 page double sided extra large font study also touches on the ridiculousness of having assignments. “It’s the 20th Century Fox, for crying out loud! We need change from the tiring homework, assignments, projects, everything!” Cica cried to the press. When asked if the research Ms. Stoudes conducted wasn’t study in itself, Ms. Stoudes asked her mother to decline comment.

School will resume just before Christmas.

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*jumps* Now that dreadful assignment is over at last. P H E W.  Maybe I can go back to normal content for once.

Ha. Don’t you wish.

 

See, kiddies, this is what happens when you’re me and you try to hard. You get not-so-good stuff like this. *sighs* Hope you enjoy anyway. 🙂

Now I gotta go and crush more school. *groans*

 

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